PERSONNEL / EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK / PUBLIC EDITION
Publicly
declassified.
Selected excerpts from the employee handbook.
The remaining sections have refused clearance.
This is fictional company lore, shared for amusement. It is not an employment policy or employee agreement.
01 / ONBOARDINGYour first day
Report to reception at 9:00 a.m. carrying two forms of identification and a convincing explanation.
Your onboarding packet contains a badge, a badge for the badge, and a small brass key that must never encounter a lock.
If reception is empty, announce your full name into the potted plant. Do not wait for an answer. Answers create obligations.
RECEPTION HAS ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR POTENTIAL ARRIVAL.
05 / MEETING CONTAINMENTCould this be an email?
Every meeting must have an agenda, a facilitator, and a designated witness.
Meetings exceeding thirty minutes automatically become committees. Meetings exceeding ninety minutes become permanent fixtures and must be included on the floor plan.
“Let's circle back” is a binding summoning phrase. Use it sparingly.
Employees who successfully end a meeting early receive one company-issued almond.
ALMOND AVAILABILITY SUBJECT TO BUDGET APPROVAL.
06 / WORKPLACE CONDUCTRespect the equipment
Treat colleagues with respect, including colleagues whose existence is disputed by Accounting.
- Do not feed the printer after sunset.
- Do not ask the basement department what it does.
- Do not make direct eye contact with the quarterly forecast.
- Do not promote a vending machine without conducting a performance review.
THE PRINTER KNOWS WHAT IT DID.
09 / BREAK ROOMThe fork is load-bearing
Label all refrigerated food with your name and the date it became food.
Unlabeled lunches become company property at 2:00 p.m. Company property sometimes escapes.
The microwave has three settings: LOW, HIGH, and DISCOVERY. DISCOVERY is restricted to Research.
Do not remove the fork embedded in the ceiling. It is load-bearing.
FACILITIES HAS CONFIRMED THE FORK'S STRUCTURAL ROLE.
11 / PERFORMANCE REVIEWSExpectations have been notified
Performance is evaluated using measurable goals, peer feedback, and the expression on the marble bust outside HR.
Available ratings:
- Exceeds Expectations
- Meets Expectations
- Approaches Expectations Cautiously
- Expectations Have Requested Reassignment
- Please Remain Where You Are
Employees demonstrating excessive initiative may be placed in charge of the initiative containment program.
THE BUST IS PLEASED. PROBABLY.
APPENDIX / RECORDS MANAGEMENTYour right to a filing cabinet
The mainframe recognizes your right to own a filing cabinet.
Documents may be stored offline. The cabinet is not required to have an IP address, attend stand-ups, or express enthusiasm for the migration.
If a drawer opens by itself, check whether you have accidentally filed something under “Initiative.”
OFFLINE STORAGE ACKNOWLEDGED. NO OFFENSE TAKEN.
REDACTED BY HUMAN RESOURCES
Access withheld at the documents' own request.
END OF AUTHORIZED DISCLOSURE